GIVE

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) there is a great Interpersonal Effectiveness skill called "GIVE."  This skill focuses on how to strengthen and maintain relationships.  It's often balanced with another DBT skill, called the "FAST" skill, with is used to strengthen and maintain self-respect.  Each letter of the GIVE skill represents more "specific" applications for strengthening and maintaining relationships:  

1.  G: Be Gentle.  Often in our relationships we can come across as harsh, uncaring, impatient, mean, cold, judgy, etc.  Being gentle has to do with the "delivery" of what we say/do.  Often what we say is good, but we don't say it in good ways.  And in 2022 we don't use the word "gentle" often....it might help to think of it as being nice, understanding, patient, soft, open, non-judgmental, etc.
   
   
2. I:  Act Interested.  In our relationships (romantic, parent/child, coworker, church, clubs, etc) we don't always have the same interests with other people.  However, acting interested is a big deal, because you're showing your interest in the other person.  (And sometimes this also leads to you developing new interests!)  One of the best ways to show interest is with eye contact, put your phone away, listen, AND remember what people say. 
   
   
3. V:  Validate.  Our world is hungry for validation.  Humans want to feel seen and heard, and to feel like our experiences are valid and matter.  Three of the best validation phrases are:  "That sucks."  "Tell me more."  "I can't imagine what that might be like."  Too often we are invalidating without realizing it, and this starts to tear down relationships.   There are 3 main ways we invalidate each other:   *When we tell someone they "shouldn't feel like that/think that way" (because they get to feel and think however they want to); *When we try to fix them (by jumping over validation and going right to problem solving or criticism); *When we "one up" or "one down" each other ("cool that you went on a vacation to Utah but I went to Australia" or "You're sick?  I'm way sicker and have been coughing and puking all day!")
   
   
4. E: Easy Manner.  This is means being more "chill" than "intense."  Relationships do better if it doesn't feel like a war-zone or like everything is dramatic or intense.  One of the best ways for this is to be mindful of your facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice.  Also, it really helps to be able to laugh at yourself.  This breaks the tension that can be damaging to relationships.  

A good challenge if you are struggling with a relationship (of any kind) is to pick one of the letters (G-I-V-E) and practice being mindful of it for a week.  See what you're doing well, and where you can improve.  And then practice actions in the "need to improve" areas. 

Suzanne Powers