Coping Ahead

The holidays can be a happy and joyous time for some and a stressful and dreadful time for others. We all experience a level of expectation during the holiday season, yet our own inner expectations can frequently result in added stress, anxiety, and sometimes, even depression. The days ahead are filled with many events, including attending family gatherings, buying the perfect gift for the difficult to please family members, attending church events, attending school events, making sure that all feel included in the holiday festivities, etc. I often hear people express complete exhaustion and dread by the time Christmas comes around, because of the amount of time they’ve spent running around making sure that everything is in order for the big day. Coping ahead of the Christmas holiday events and practicing mindfulness skills can help to alleviate stress and anxiety, which also creates a level of peace during such a busy and often chaotic time. Below are some pointers on coping ahead during this holiday season:

1.)   Reduce personal expectations and work on being more realistic about gift buying, holiday party attendance, holiday travel, etc. Set limitations and communicate with others about what you are able to do and what you are unable to do. Open and honest communication is key to reduce anxiety and stress, particularly as it relates to perceived and real expectations during the holiday season. Open and honest communication is also a great way to set boundaries, which is crucial during the holiday season.

2.)   Have a game plan when spending time with difficult people or when confronted with difficult situations. The holidays are a time for celebration and gathering, which also means that you may have to spend time with family members that can difficult to be around. You may also have to travel or spend time running around to multiple family gatherings. Practice acceptance and work towards being mindful of reactions to triggers when around pesky and annoying family members or when confronted with other stressors. Have a game plan to remove yourself from the room if necessary, take a walk, practice deep breathing, practice gratitude for the challenging personality you’ve encountered, and work on reducing reactions by focusing on something positive. Grounding exercises can be helpful when around difficult people and situations. I encourage my client to focus on self-soothing through their 5 senses to reduce their urge to react when in difficult situations. Here are some self soothing ideas: look around for something positive within your eye sight, eat a favorite treat, drink a favorite non-alcoholic beverage, have a favorite scent within reach (essential oils are great for self soothing) watch a favorite show, listen to an audio book, and listen to soothing music. Bottom line is to be prepared to encounter difficult people and difficult situations that will need to be handled effectively.

3.)   Have a plan to decompress after the holidays before getting back into a routine. Some ideas could include reading a favorite book, sleeping in, taking a bubble bath, and taking an extra day off from work if needed. Remember that a lot of time and energy has been spent preparing for the holiday events, so it’s just as important to practice self-care and relaxation before returning to a baseline routine.

Above all, have fun and try to enjoy the holiday season. Most of our stressors come from lack of boundaries and high expectations from ourselves, from others, and from society; focus on what you can control and let all else go!

Have a happy and mindful holiday season!

Stephanie Shirley, LMSW

Anger

Anger is a natural emotion that is often felt by people but is also often not understood or managed appropriately.  Anger is a feeling or emotion that ranges from irritation to fury and rage.  Anger is a response that is natural to feel in a situation when a person feels threatened.  During this time, a person feels that they are in danger or that another person has wronged them in some way.  Also, anger can be an emotion that is triggered when needs or desires are not met. 

                There are several myths about anger that are often believed that need to be addressed.  The first myth is that anger in inherited:  It is often believed that anger is inherited and cannot be changed but this is in correct.  Studies have shown that people are not born with a set specific ways of expressing anger and this is actually learned behavior; which means people can learn ways to control anger appropriately.  

              The second myth is that anger automatically leads to aggression.  There is a misconception that the only way to express anger is through aggression. In fact, effective anger management is done by using learned coping skills that help control the escalation of anger.  This can be done by learning how to use positive self-talk, using behavioral strategies, and challenging irrational beliefs.  

             The third myth is that people must be aggressive to get what they want.  This is actually a confusion between aggression and assertiveness.  The goal of aggression is to dominate others to get what you want while the goal of assertiveness is to express feelings of anger in a way that is respectful to other people.  

           The fourth myth is that venting anger is always desirable.  It was a thought for many years among mental health professionals that expressing anger by screaming or beating a pillow was the most effective way to manage anger.  This is not so, and studies have shown that expressing anger this way only leads to becoming better at being angry.

                The first step in learning to manage anger appropriately is to become aware of the anger which includes triggers and cues.  A trigger is an event, circumstance or behavior of others that caused a person to become angry.  A cue is how a person’s body identifies the anger they are feeling such as; increased heart rate, knots in stomach, and the body feeling flushed.  In addition to learning how to recognize anger, a person needs to learn skills to manage their anger.  These skills should include immediate skills to reduce anger when it increases and preventative strategies to help not become angry.  A few immediate skills could be taking timeouts, deep breathing exercises, and thought stopping.  An example of preventative strategy is learning how to interact appropriately with others and being assertive instead of aggressive. 

                Anger is a natural emotion that everyone feels but people can learn skills to be able to prevent their anger from increasing or manage it appropriately so it does not become a problem for them in their lives. 

Dave Homer, LCSW