Self Care

This October I attended The Association for Play Therapy conference in AZ where I took a few sessions about compassion fatigue/burnout. One of my biggest take away from those sessions was how no matter who we are, what we are doing in life: we will at some point in our lives deal with compassion fatigue and/or burnout.

What is compassion fatigue and burnout? Webster defines compassion fatigue as this: “Feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by suffering or misfortune, companied by a strong desire to alleviate the pain or remove its cause.” Burnout is defined by Webster as:“exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration.”

People can experience either one in various ways and it is up to you to know what that looks like for you. Sherrie Bourg Carter Psy.D. wrote an article for Psychology Today that gives examples of what burnout could look like. Some of the examples that she states are; chronic fatigue, not being able to sleep, anger, and isolating yourself from those around you. With compassion fatigue, you will have some signs that are similar to burnout. The difference between the two is that compassion fatigue is evident earlier than burnout. 

Here is the link to her article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them.

Check out the link to find more information on compassion fatigue: http://www.compassionfatigue.org/index.html

There are many ways you can work to overcome compassion fatigue and/or burnout, however, the first step is to realize you are normal. When I say realize you are normal, I mean that the reactions/symptoms you are experiencing are normal reactions that many people in the world experience. Also becoming aware that you are struggling with either one is another important step. When we are not aware that we aren’t operating at our best, we are unable to make the necessary changes. I’ll list below different links that have ideas for self-care items.  

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201403/seven-types-self-care-activities-coping-stress

https://www.developgoodhabits.com/self-care-ideas/

https://themighty.com/2016/04/self-care-ideas-for-a-bad-day/

Carmen Stites, LPC

GRATITUDE

 November.  This month seems to turn our thoughts towards being grateful.  Many of my friends list on social media what they are grateful for and it seems as if there are even gratitude challenges during the month of November.  I feel that gratitude is a powerful component in my life but then I began to wonder what the benefits of being grateful are.   I found an article in Forbes magazine that listed the following scientific proven benefits of being grateful. 

     Gratitude will open the door to more relationships.  It stated that showing appreciation can help us make new friends.  Gratitude also improves our physical health.  “Grateful people experience fewer aches and pains and they report feeling healthier than other people.”   Gratitude also improves psychological health.  The article stated that gratitude actually reduces a multitude of toxic emotions.  Gratitude enhances empathy and reduces aggression.  Grateful people sleep better.  The article suggests writing down a few grateful sentiments before bed.  Gratitude improves self -esteem by reducing social comparisons.  Lastly, gratitude increased mental strength.  A 2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that gratitude was a major contributor to resilience following the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001.

     We all have the choice in life to be grateful or have an attitude of gratitude.  I feel that developing an “attitude of gratitude” can be one of the easiest ways to improve our lives. 

April Moedl, LCSW

TRAIN, or TRY?

We learn many tools in counseling.  I have had clients learn a skill and then try it once during the week and come back to let me know that this skill doesn’t work for them.  While I am glad to see that they tried the skill and put in at least that much effort, I have come to learn that there is a difference between training and trying something.  I was reading a book called “I am More Than Enough” By Dr. Robert Jones and Bryce Dunford.  In this book, they had a great analogy that helped me explain what I was seeing when client’s I worked with did this.  I am going to paraphrase that analogy here.

Let us say that your gym is having a contest. In four weeks, they will draw a couple of names for the people that are going to be able to win $100,000. There are many names in the jar but you choose to add yours along with the others.  Now once your name is drawn there will be a date set and if you can bench press 100 lbs. by that date, you could be a winner. 

Four weeks pass, and along with another person, your name is drawn.  The date for the big lift is set for two weeks.  Ecstatic (as any of us would be) at a chance to win that kind of money, you find yourself obsessing about it.  You plan how to spend the money and what you will be doing with it once you have won the money, and then at last the day of the big even arrives. 

The News is there to cover this event and you feel the pressure to do well.  Here is your moment.  If you can lift the weight just twenty-four inches away from your body you win. You feel that weight rest on you as two men steadily place it there.  Next to you is the other person that got their name picked. The next ten seconds will tell your future. 

You begin to exert all your best physical and mental effort to lift the weight.  You can’t move it off of your chest.  It might as well have been three hundred pounds for all that matters.  You simply can’t budge it.  Next to you, the person is slowly lifting the weight and you see that they are going to win the money. 

Two men come and finally lift the barbell off you and a T.V. personality shoves a microphone in your face and asks how you felt.  You responded that you are very disappointed, and don’t know what happened.  You tried as hard as you could.  You guess it just wasn’t meant to be.  Your partner in the lift reports that he is grateful for the chance he had and is excited to see that all of his training and hard work in the last six weeks has paid off.

The same principal applies to mental health skills.

If we don’t take the time to train our brains, so that we can create the neuropathways that it needs, we won’t be able to implement a skill when we need it.  We can try once, and not see results, or we can practice the tools we are learning and use therapy to train, learn, and get better.  In the end, you are only going to get out what you put in.  Are you going to TRAIN, or TRY?

By Kristy Goodson, LMSW

Acceptance

What does it mean to cultivate an acceptance attitude?  Have you ever been faced with a situation that seemed unfair and fought the reality of the situation without actually solving the core of the unfair situation? Certain situations sometimes call for a good fight, but we often reject reality by fighting and throwing tantrums without actually looking for healthy solutions to resolve the core issue being presented. Radical acceptance is a skill used when faced with painful and unfair situation. The following behaviors can be used when cultivating an attitude of acceptance:

1.  First identify the situation you are rejecting.
2.   Focus on reality as it is and stick to the facts. Also identify the events that caused the painful situation (every event or situation has a root cause).
3.  Recognize that rejecting reality and facts will not change reality, therefore, changing reality means to first accept reality.
4.  Recognize that pain cannot be avoided; its nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong.
5.  Practice acceptance with the mind, body, and spirit by surrendering. Use self-acceptance talk; use mindfulness of your breath and awareness of your thoughts and behaviors.
6.  Practice engaging in activities that act opposite of negative emotions and list all behaviors you would do if you did accept the facts. Act as if you have already accepted what has already happened. 

When practicing acceptance, also recognize that the path out of misery is through hell. You cannot avoid the pain of reality, but acceptance is the first step towards healing and focusing on healthy solutions to cope with distressing situations.

Stephanie Shirley, LCSW

Lineham, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2^nd ed. pp. 342-344). New York; London: The Guilford Press.

Accepting Constructive Criticism

Constructive criticism can be very hard to accept. It can also make a person feel inferior when they hear it.  People give constructive criticism to help others improve themselves and the situation.  When someone gives you constructive criticism there are seven guidelines that can help us accept the criticism and turn it into something positive. 

1.        Listen Respectfully. It is easy to get upset when someone is trying to give us constructive criticism. When we get upset, we tend to focus on the negative points instead of hearing what the person is truly trying to tell us.  It is best to listen to the speaker and let them finish saying what they wanted to say; only asking brief questions for clarity.  Give that person a chance to explain their concerns and try not to tune out points that you disagree with. Try to stay focused on the entire message.  Make mental notes to try to address when it is your turn to speak. 

2.        Be sure you understand. When accepting constructive criticism you will need to understand fully what the other person has told you.  You do not have to accept blame or responsibility for something that does not makes sense to you, or you do not understand.  If you do not understand, ask question or make comments to help you understand what they are saying. 

3.        Acknowledge the Speaker’s point of view:  As you are listening to someone, you may disagree with what they are saying and want to respond, instead try to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes and realize that it cannot be easy for them to talk to you.  Realize that they are trying to help and it is important to realize that not everyone is perfect and they are trying to help point out a flaw, which shows that they care about you and want to help you improve a situation. 

4.        Don’t become Defensive:  We all want to be accepted and appreciated for who we are and sometimes we feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed when others notice a behavior or mistake that we have made.  Because of these feelings, it is difficult to accept constructive criticism but being open to learning and growing is a desirable characteristic for any job or relationship. 

5.        Avoid Escalating Tensions:  When discussing ones limitations the potential for tensions to escalate is higher when we feel criticized or misunderstood.  When we are feeling this way, it is natural to bring up past issues or current problems but this is not the time to bring them up.  It is better to focus on the issue at hand and reserve any concerns for a later time unless they are relevant to the current issue. 

6.        Follow up with Positive actions:  After accepting criticism graciously accept the responsibility for making changes that will help you improve.  Following up with suitable actions will show others that you can accept criticism and can actually put it to good use. This will improve your professional image and improve your personal relationships.

7.        Take the Initiative:  You don’t have to wait for others to give you constructive criticism instead you could ask others for their opinion so you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. 

Accepting criticism from others is important and can make you a more affective person in your professional and personal lives. 

Dave Homer, LCSW

Attachment

With summertime finally here, we often find it much easier to engage in activities with our children. Outdoor activities are a great way to promote attachment.  What is attachment?  Why is it important?  How can we do more of it?

Attachment is the connection found in the main relationships in a child’s life.  It is most effective when it occurs with parents.  Children and parents are meant to form attachments with each other.  Studies show that infants prefer their caregiver’s face and voice more than any other sights and sounds. 

Attachment is important because it can build resilience and trust in your child.   A child who is secure in his/her attachments are more likely to stay away from addictive substances, abstain from impulsive and dangerous behaviors, and include his/her parents in choices and goals.  Additionally, a resilient child is able to ride through the storms of life with confidence and skills that build his/her character and contribute to strength and courage.

Building attachments with children is rather easy.  To quote the words of a poem from an unknown author: 

I tried to teach my child with books.

He gave me only puzzled looks.

I used clear words to discipline,

But I never seemed to win.

Despairingly, I turned aside.

“How shall I reach this child?” I cried.

Into my hand he put the key:

“Come,” he said, “Play with me.”

Children love to play.  So put your phone and devices away! Engage in wholesome family activities such as swimming, riding bikes, walks, basketball, tag, board games (NOT video games!).  Promote activities that build trust through safe touch, eye contact, and soothing gestures such as mirroring (copycat), piggyback rides, and peek a boo.  Let Google give you hundreds of ideas, and get out there with your children and attach! 

Very Young Trauma Survivors:  PTSD and the Role of Attachment https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/family/very_young_trauma_survivors.asp

Five Attachment Based activities to Strengthen Parent-Child Bonds        https://pro.psychcentral.com/child-therapist/2014/08/5-attachment-based-activities-to-strengthen-parent-child-relationships/

Liz R Harding, LMSW

PHYSICAL ACTIVITY AND FEELING GOOD ENOUGH

Dr. Kelly McGonigal is a health psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University. As a pioneer in the field of "science-help," her mission is to translate insights from psychology and neuroscience into practical strategies that support personal well-being and strengthen communities. Dr.McGonigal recently shared some interesting research behind the effect of physical activity on self-worth. The neuroscience suggests there is a strong connection, for both adolescents and adults, between the part of your brain that processes reward and positive motivation, and the part of your brain that processes your sense of self. This connectivity is seen on a brain scan between the striatum and its projection to the ventromedial prefrontal cortex. It’s not just in terms of these parts of the brain talking to each other more, but an increased density of the white matter that is along the tracks of the neurons talking to one another.  This connectivity is really important for us to feel like “we are good enough.” We need the part of our brain that experiences hope and positive motivation to be strongly connected to the part of the brain that thinks about yourself. When we see changes in this connectivity, there are correlated changes in self-esteem. 

So, what does this have to do with physical activity?

Well, one of the things that seems to really damage this connection is inflammation; systemic inflammation. This has been shown in both animals and in humans. If you reduce inflammation through physical exercise, you can strengthen this connection. We're talking about exercise, any sort of exercise, which has been demonstrated to reduce systemic inflammation — walking, tai chi, yoga, running, swimming, dancing. Basically, all of it has that effect on the body. I think this research is so interesting and promising because it further points to the necessity of self-care for experiencing good self-esteem. Self-care can also include good nutrition, and proper amounts of sleep, as well as physical activity, which have all been shown to reduce inflammation.  It’s fascinating that you can build in a sense of self-worth in the structure of your brain, by taking better care of your body.  

Cindy Quinn, LMSW

How Can You Reduce Arguments With Your Kids?

I want you to think for a moment… Over the past week how many arguments have you had with your kids? When I asked this question to my clients I usually get a response, “Oh man, I think like 20,  maybe 30." Having arguments with your kids is not an uncommon battle that most parents experience. Here are a few tips that can help reduce arguments and bring more peace and harmony to the home. Let me introduce you to magic phrases. Here are a few that I use regularly:

1. Feel free to go and play with your friends once your homework is done.
2. What would work best for you cleaning your room or vacuuming the floor?
3. Would you rather weed the garden or clean the garage?

As you notice with these magic phrases the first part is most important. The parent is saying feel free to… then you fill in the blank. What would work best for you…. Then fill in the blank. Would you rather… then fill in the blank.

The reason why this is effective is because you are not saying NO!!

Here is another quick tip. 
When your child is arguing with you and you start to notice things are getting heated simply say to your child “I love you too much to argue with you” or “I would be more than happy to talk to you when your voice is quiet like mine.”

Parenting is a difficult task, but don’t let it get you down. Our kids are counting on us!

Brett Hamptom, LCSW

Why Play Is So Important

We like to think that only children play, however, no matter your age, play can be an important part of your life. Why play is so important for developmental reasons for children is this; play helps with healthy brain development, it helps children with their schooling, and it can help them learn to interact with the world around them.

Play is a way that children can communicate many things to those around them that they may not have the words to say. Whether it is because they are less verbal than others around them, for whatever reason, or whether it is due to their age, play helps connect them. My favorite quote from Garry Landreth is “Toys are the children’s words and play is their language.”

For adults, we do things in our everyday life that is considered play, however, we just don’t see it that way. When you read a book, take in a movie, or view art, those can be a type of play for adults because it brings us joy, and what does play do but bring us joy.

Carmen Stites, LPC

Boundaries and limits: How important are they to a healthy life?

Do we really need boundaries in our lives? The answer is yes. Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships and a healthy life. Although at times establishing boundaries and limits in our lives can be tricky. It is a vital part of many different aspects of our personal, familial, and professional lives. Here are five different ways we can begin to implement boundaries in our lives. 

       First we need to identify what our limits are and understand how this effects us. We need to identify physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual limits. Second we need to tune into our feelings. Discomfort and resentment are red flags, or cues, that we are letting go of our boundaries. Third we need to be direct when establishing boundaries. Fourth, give yourself permission by identifying fear, guilt, and self doubt which are big potential pitfalls. Boundaries aren’t just a sign of healthy relationships. They are a sign of self respect. Give yourself permission to set boundaries and then work to preserve them. Fifth, practice self-awareness. If you notice that you are not sustaining your boundaries you may want to ask yourself, “What’s changed? What is the situation eliciting that’s making me resentful or stressed?” We can then identify what we can do about the situation and what we have control over. 

       Boundaries increase our ability to be empowered which in turn help us to lead healthier and happier lives. 

April Moedl LCSW

Focusing on the Positive

The New Year is now here and we often find it is time for resolutions and determination to change; as we reflect upon the past and look forward with hope to a bright future. This year as I was looking back and thinking upon the year, I found myself remembering all the things that I wished had gone different or had worked out better.  There have been many studies on gratitude and how it can change our brain chemistry to be happier as we learn to find the good in our lives. Knowing this, I found myself wondering if my year would not be better if instead of looking at all the things that went wrong, I focused on all the things that were good. The small things that made me smile or improved my world throughout the year, and then continued to do this in the new year, one day at a time. 

As I was looking for information on this, I found the idea of a "Good Things Jar" online and wanted to share it with everyone. By doing this, maybe together, we can have a better year and better brain chemistry as we focus on and identify the positive things now and in the upcoming year.  I hope that you are able to find something good in every day, even if every day is not good, and help to improve your mental health.

 

Best Wishes of a great new year to come,

Happy 2018!!

Kristy Goodson LMSW.