How to help your child through the grieving process:

 The grieving process for an adult is a very complicated process that can take years to go through and we are often at a standstill how to help children to go through the complex emotions that come up as they go through it themselves. There are times that, due to our own grief, we aren’t able to fully be present for the children in our lives as they are grieving, or sometimes the child is too scared to show that vulnerable side of themselves to the adults in their lives so we aren’t able to support them through it.

Sometime a child, depending on their age, can be crying/screaming because of how upset they are and then the next moment be happily playing. This is developmentally appropriate for the child to be doing. The child could have been so overwhelmed with everything, they are using play as a coping skill, and when they feel safe again, they will start to process their emotions. Sometimes we will see children start to do behaviors they have not done for years, such as wetting the bed again or doing baby talk. Encourage your child to express their feelings, whether it is through words or by drawing it out.

Be direct and developmentally appropriate as you discus death with your child. Children are liberal and if you state that someone “went to sleep”, that can be a very scary statement for a child to hear. Children also often times do not understand that the person who died, is not coming back. As psychiatrist Gail Saltz explains, “Children understand that death is bad, and they don’t like separation, but the concept of ‘forever’ is just not present.”

Ignoring your own grief will affect how your child will handle his/her own grief. Showing your child how you handle your emotions in a healthy ways shows your child that it is ok to be sad or upset.

Resources: There are books out there that you can read to your children after there has been a death, where it is a family member (human or pet.) Two books that I have in my own collection are Tear Soup by Pat Schwiebert and Here in My Garden by Briony Stewart.

Carmen Stites, LCPC