Building Shame Resilience During the Holidays

          As we find ourselves deep in holiday plans, shopping, wrapping and decorating, we may at times be overwhelmed with the idealized images of the perfect holiday blasted at us from all directions. We unfortunately can easily feel a sense of shame when our own lives don’t seem to conform to those images. Rather than filling us with joy, the holiday season can feel like a humiliating experience. No one deliberately shames us. No one intends us to feel bad about ourselves. But when we’re not with our families or we find ourselves alone, we often feel ashamed all the same. This type of shame lies beneath the depression that can afflict many of us at this time of year.

     Brené Brown has described the perfectionistic ideals and expectations imposed upon us by society, and how the inevitable failure to reach those ideals instills a sense of shame; with all those happily-ever-after Christmas movies, Hallmark sentimentality, and carols about joy and love and family, our culture likewise imposes a set of expectations for how your own holiday season ought to “look.” During the holiday season, this sense of shame can easily be intensified by well-meaning colleagues or acquaintances who ask where you’re spending your holidays. Disconnection and a feeling that one does not “belong” will always stir up shame. Rather than go into hiding, as many of us tend to do, we instead can work to build up shame resilience. Building shame resilience can be especially important during this time of year. 

     Brene’ Brown suggests four ways:

1. Recognize shame when we feel it. Once you know what trips you up and mires you in feelings of shame, you can begin to manage the triggers and learn healthier responses.

2. Recognize our social and cultural expectations and how we react to shame.

3. Connections—make meaningful empathetic and compassionate connections with others. There are many ways to belong. There are many opportunities to volunteer and connect with other people. Getting outside yourself and giving to the needy will not only lessen your sense of holiday shame but brings the added bonus of building your shame resilience.

4. Share it—speak about that which is most shameful to us—shame cannot survive exposure. 

Unfortunately shame is not something that we can just get rid of. Shame resilience is an ongoing practice.