Acceptance

What does it mean to cultivate an acceptance attitude?  Have you ever been faced with a situation that seemed unfair and fought the reality of the situation without actually solving the core of the unfair situation? Certain situations sometimes call for a good fight, but we often reject reality by fighting and throwing tantrums without actually looking for healthy solutions to resolve the core issue being presented. Radical acceptance is a skill used when faced with painful and unfair situation. The following behaviors can be used when cultivating an attitude of acceptance:

1.  First identify the situation you are rejecting.
2.   Focus on reality as it is and stick to the facts. Also identify the events that caused the painful situation (every event or situation has a root cause).
3.  Recognize that rejecting reality and facts will not change reality, therefore, changing reality means to first accept reality.
4.  Recognize that pain cannot be avoided; its nature’s way of signaling that something is wrong.
5.  Practice acceptance with the mind, body, and spirit by surrendering. Use self-acceptance talk; use mindfulness of your breath and awareness of your thoughts and behaviors.
6.  Practice engaging in activities that act opposite of negative emotions and list all behaviors you would do if you did accept the facts. Act as if you have already accepted what has already happened. 

When practicing acceptance, also recognize that the path out of misery is through hell. You cannot avoid the pain of reality, but acceptance is the first step towards healing and focusing on healthy solutions to cope with distressing situations.

Stephanie Shirley, LCSW

Lineham, M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (2^nd ed. pp. 342-344). New York; London: The Guilford Press.

Accepting Constructive Criticism

Constructive criticism can be very hard to accept. It can also make a person feel inferior when they hear it.  People give constructive criticism to help others improve themselves and the situation.  When someone gives you constructive criticism there are seven guidelines that can help us accept the criticism and turn it into something positive. 

1.        Listen Respectfully. It is easy to get upset when someone is trying to give us constructive criticism. When we get upset, we tend to focus on the negative points instead of hearing what the person is truly trying to tell us.  It is best to listen to the speaker and let them finish saying what they wanted to say; only asking brief questions for clarity.  Give that person a chance to explain their concerns and try not to tune out points that you disagree with. Try to stay focused on the entire message.  Make mental notes to try to address when it is your turn to speak. 

2.        Be sure you understand. When accepting constructive criticism you will need to understand fully what the other person has told you.  You do not have to accept blame or responsibility for something that does not makes sense to you, or you do not understand.  If you do not understand, ask question or make comments to help you understand what they are saying. 

3.        Acknowledge the Speaker’s point of view:  As you are listening to someone, you may disagree with what they are saying and want to respond, instead try to put yourself in the speaker’s shoes and realize that it cannot be easy for them to talk to you.  Realize that they are trying to help and it is important to realize that not everyone is perfect and they are trying to help point out a flaw, which shows that they care about you and want to help you improve a situation. 

4.        Don’t become Defensive:  We all want to be accepted and appreciated for who we are and sometimes we feel embarrassed, guilty or ashamed when others notice a behavior or mistake that we have made.  Because of these feelings, it is difficult to accept constructive criticism but being open to learning and growing is a desirable characteristic for any job or relationship. 

5.        Avoid Escalating Tensions:  When discussing ones limitations the potential for tensions to escalate is higher when we feel criticized or misunderstood.  When we are feeling this way, it is natural to bring up past issues or current problems but this is not the time to bring them up.  It is better to focus on the issue at hand and reserve any concerns for a later time unless they are relevant to the current issue. 

6.        Follow up with Positive actions:  After accepting criticism graciously accept the responsibility for making changes that will help you improve.  Following up with suitable actions will show others that you can accept criticism and can actually put it to good use. This will improve your professional image and improve your personal relationships.

7.        Take the Initiative:  You don’t have to wait for others to give you constructive criticism instead you could ask others for their opinion so you can avoid making the same mistake in the future. 

Accepting criticism from others is important and can make you a more affective person in your professional and personal lives. 

Dave Homer, LCSW