Often we think of bullying as something that happens only at
school, however we should not overlook the fact that bullying can also, and
often does, happen at home between siblings. It is not normal or healthy for
one sibling to persistently terrorize his/her brother or sister. Kids
will fight and disagree, and this is not bullying necessarily, but if one is
always terrorizing another we need to focus on and address this issue with
them.
Here
are some steps that are suggested in the book Bullied by
Carrie Goldman. Helping kids learn how to “re-frame” situations and not take
everything personally is a great first step that would help them to 1- not let
the teasing upset them and 2- learn that the content of the teasing may not be
true and not worthy of their time and energy to stress over. Re-framing is
learning to apply alternative meaning to things.
In addition to re-framing, bullying should always be addressed when
children are in a safe place and able to talk with an adult about what is going
on between them. The kids should learn that they need to address these
things or that the bullying will continue and neither themselves nor the bully
will get the help they need in order to change the situation.
Another tip is the use of “I messages.” An I message is when you
state “I feel…. When you…. I need you to …. Etc.” However, using I
messages doesn’t work when done in an unsupervised situation, because this will
give the bully the reaction that he/she is seeking. We need to teach kids
to use I messages when talking with adults or while in a structured setting.
This is where learning to re-frame things in positive ways helps. For
example: if one sibling calls the other four eyes, the recipient can thank them
for noticing his/her glasses and taking the time to comment. This is very
upsetting for the bully, because he was trying to get a negative reaction and
didn’t get one when the recipient didn’t become upset but happy instead.
Additionally, a receiver of sibling bullying can learn to agree
with the teaser. Such an instance might be if the bully says their
brother/sister is short. The bullied sibling can agree “yes I am a short kid
for my age.” When using this tip there is not much arguing and it ends
the conversation quickly
Along with
this tactic is the great skill of saying “So.” The bully may take time to point
out that his/her sibling messed up on their art project. The teased child may
simply reply “So, it’s not a big deal.” Doing this removes the emotional
response the bully is after and, if done without attitude or anger, turns it
back on the bully, who must now wonder why they made such a comment in the
first place.
Another tip that seems to stump bullies and give some power back
to the bullied sibling is complementing. Complementing the bully throws them
off and takes away what they are after, i.e. a negative emotional response.
If one brother tells the other that he plays like a girl the bullied
brother can say “You are right and you are so good at [the game] that I was
wondering if you would take the time to teach me.” This is not the
response that they are after, so it will often end the teasing.
The last tip that I am addressing here is using humor. Humor is
any way we can make others laugh and not leave us feeling taken advantage of or
put down. If the receiver of the teasing is told that they “smell worse
than the dog” they could say “Good, we were competing and I am glad to
know that I am winning this time.” If the child can get others laughing this
will change the emotion and end the teasing.
I
hope that these skills help with stopping the verbal bullying at your home
through the summer.
By Kristy Goodson, LMSW
Sources: Bullied by Carrie Goldman