Emotions are a normal part of everyday life. We feel frustrated when we’re running late for work. We feel sad when we are disappointed by others. We can get angry when we don’t get our way or someone does something to hurt us. While we can expect to experience some variety of these emotions regularly, some people start to encounter emotions that are more extreme. They feel higher highs and lower lows, and these peaks and valleys begin to impact their lives. Individuals who experience intense emotions may find themselves calm one moment and then sad or angry the next. In certain situations we have to turn to emotional regulation to be able to control these intense stronger feelings that start to surface.
Emotion
regulation is the ability to exert control over one’s own emotional state. People unconsciously use emotional regulation
strategies to cope with difficult situations many times throughout the
day. This may involve behaviors such as
rethinking a challenging situation to reduce anger or anxiety, hiding visible
signs of sadness or fear, or focusing on reasons to feel happy or calm. Most of us use a variety of emotion
regulation strategies and are able to apply them to different situations in
order to adapt to the demands of our environment.
However,
there are times when it is difficult to respond in a way that is appropriate
and there is a loss of control over those emotions. We see emotional dysregulation in children in
the form of ‘temper tantrums,’ episodes of crying for seemingly insignificant
reasons and required redirection from parents when they are unable to focus
enough to calm down on their own. It is common for a parent to have to step in
and teach emotional regulation through modeling and encouragement. However,
unlike small children, adults are expected to be able to manage their emotions,
especially strong emotions such as anxiety and anger, in a manner that is
socially acceptable. When emotional control fails, people often say or do
things they later regret and wish they had been able to keep their emotions in
check. When unaddressed, over time, it could have a negative impact on one’s
personal well-being and social relationships.
Seeking help from others in the form of therapy is a valuable way to learn to regulate your emotions. There are multiple therapeutic approaches that teach skills that are practical, simple and easy to implement. However, if unable to participate in therapy services, the following is a list of several skills and tools that can be used to help us regulate and even learn to master our emotions:
1. Learn to ‘create space’ for your emotion: Emotions happen fast and sometime we can’t
anticipate our responses to them. When
we suddenly feel overwhelmed a good habit to get into is to pause, take a
breath, observe what it going on around us and as much as possible, slow down
the moment between the trigger we encountered and our response to it.
2. Try to notice what you are feeling: Our physical symptoms usually teach us what we are experiencing emotionally. Inquiring into what is happening to us physically can also distract our immediate focus in the moment and allow some of the intensity of the emotion to go away. Tune in to yourself and consider: in what parts of your body are you noticing sensations? Is your stomach upset? Is your heart racing? Do you feel tension in your neck or head?
3. Take Care of Your Physical Needs: Getting a good night’s rest, eating healthfully, and exercising your body are all essential to being able to feel satisfaction in life. We’ve all noticed how much better we can feel after having a good night of restful sleep or after eating a diet of healthy foods. It can be as though we have an entirely fresh perspective on life and it is much easier to overlook the little things that might have annoyed or upset us otherwise.
4. Name what you feel: After noticing what you feel, the ability to
name it can help you get control of what is happening. Ask yourself: what would
you call the emotions you’re feeling? Is it anger, sadness, disappointment, or
resentment? What else is it? One strong emotion that often hides beneath others
is fear. It is common to feel multiple
emotions at once. Be curious and
comfortable recognizing and naming your emotions to enable you to share them
with others.
5. Accept the emotion that you are experiencing: Emotions are a normal and natural part of how we respond to situations. Rather than beating yourself up for feeling angry or scared, recognize that your emotional reactions are valid. Try to practice self-compassion and give yourself grace. Recognize that experiencing emotions is a normal human reaction.
6. Engage in activities that build a sense of achievement: Doing one positive thing every day can lead to a sense of achievement and contentment. We can each benefit from paying more attention to the positive events in our lives. The things that bring us joy have been shown to decrease negative moods and increase positive moods.
7. Changing thoughts is easier than changing feelings: Our thoughts
play a significant role in how we experience a situation. When you notice
yourself starting to become upset, try to evaluate what you are thinking that
is causing that emotion. Here are some questions to ask yourself:
• What is it that’s
really pushing my buttons here?
• Why am I reacting so
strongly?
• What’s the worst (or
best) that could happen?
• How important will this be tomorrow? Next week? Next month?
Implementing these, and
other skills, and taking the time to recognize and use steps to control our
emotions will improve relationships with others, build self-confidence and
increase our resilience to those day to day interactions that we encounter.
Megann Wilkerson, LCSW
